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Law Humor: Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses: Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: So the date of conception of your baby was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were you doing at that time? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male, or a female? Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son, the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir. Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? *************************************************** BAKU HIGHWAY CODE This is designed to assist new drivers in Baku to understand the finer points of local driving skills. 1. Normally you drive on the right hand side of the road but it is quite acceptable to drive on the left, the middle or even the pavement if lamp-posts do not pose a direct hazard. 2. Cars entering a roundabout have right of way; cars on the roundabout have right of way and cars leaving the roundabout have right of way. 3. Never use your indicators as this will only confuse other drivers. 4. Use your horn as much as possible and at least every five minutes (no reason required) 5 When going down hill, ensure you turn off your engine and put the gears into neutral. The fuel savings can be as much as 1/2 litre over 50,000 Km. Damage to ignition, gears and brakes is therefore justified. 6. Road signs, such as "no entry", "give way" should be ignored. They are there to brighten what would otherwise be a very dull junction or corner. 7. Take extra care if you stop at traffic lights or pedestrian crossings; this will be so unexpected that someone may run into the back of you. 8. Before taking your car on the road, customise it to blend in with the local traffic: Remove seat belts, ensure there is a large crack in the windscreen (preferably obscuring the driver vision) and remove any other superfluous items, such as wheel arches. 9. If you break-down, make no attempt to move your car to a safe area. Surround it with huge stones to protect yourself as anyone hitting them will be killed instantly. Merely lift the bonnet and hey presto a dozen skilled local Lada mechanics will appear and have you fixed within 24 hours. Once repaired make no attempt to remove the huge stones from the road as they will be moved back to the side of the road by other cars hitting them. 10. If you spot a friend when driving just stop abruptly, wind down the window and talk to him/her. Ensure you have stopped in such a manner as to present the greatest obstacle and make it impossible for other cars to pass safely. 11. Always assume the correct driving position - ensure that you have a cigarette in you right hand and the other idly hanging outside the drivers window. 12. All roads should be considered dual carriageways, irrespective of width. (Dual carriageways are actually motorways.) 13. Use of 4 way flashers indicates that: A) He is edging his bets and his next turn will probably be left or right. B) He is on his way to a wedding. C) The Lada headlight bulbs he stole from the warehouse are actually intermittent flashing navigation bulbs. 14. When overtaking, wait until a vehicle is approaching at high speed from the opposite direction before pulling out. This proves that three vehicles each 6ft wide can pass each other undamaged on a 10ft wide road. 15. At night make sure only one taillight is working and it's kept really dirty. Headlight dipper switch should taped up or removed completely so that it can't be accidentally operated. 16. Park as close as possible to the car in front so he can't get out. How should he get home from work before you? If you are a pedestrian: Never look right or left when crossing the road, walk as slowly as possible and assume all cars will stop for you. At night, walk in the middle of the road wearing black or dark clothes and above all, never do anything which might alert cars to your presence. |